The Day my Life Changed.....Forever.

I've been drafting this post for several weeks now, going back and forth over and over trying to decide just how much of my journey I'm willing to share with.....well.....the entire world!  It's been eight weeks since my life-changing surgery and it's taken me this long to decide that I want to share everything.  I want to just go ahead and put it all out there and be real and true and genuine because after all, that's my goal in life anyway--to be authentic, transparent, and to just be ME. I've said from the very beginning of this journey that I wanted to turn this "test" into a "testimony" and this "trial" into a "triumph".  I can't possibly share with you all of the wonderful ways that the Lord has shown His glory and His power through this experience if I don't share it all.....the good, the bad and the ugly!  

Aside from that, the sole purpose for this blog is to serve as a memoir for our family so that long after I'm gone, my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren will have something to look back on and remember me....remember us.  I started it for that very purpose, with the plans of having it printed and bound into a keepsake book that I hope will be a priceless and precious treasure someday to those who knew and loved me.  Therefore, I want it to be as real as possible, full of emotion and heartfelt sincerity.

With that preface, you can probably infer that this will be a lengthy post.  If you're new to my blog or you've become foggy on the details of the reason for this surgery, you can read a prior post HERE that will refresh your memory and bring you up to date.

In the post mentioned above, I gave some pretty specific details about my upcoming procedure, but I did not come right out and say what I'm about to say now.  Many of you probably read between the lines and came to your own conclusions, but some of you may not have.  I think it's important to clear the air so that you can understand the gravity of this surgery and in turn, better appreciate what my journey to this point has entailed.  Perhaps it sounds dramatic for me to title this post "the day my life changed forever", but rightfully so in my opinion!  On July 2nd, I went in for a major abdominal surgery known as a total colectomy, which would in turn leave me with a permanent ileostomy for the rest of my life.  There, I said it.  Now you know for sure and the elephant in the room has been addressed.  I feel better! =)  More on my new life with an ostomy a little later.  For now, let's start at the beginning........

My surgery was scheduled for Tuesday, July 2nd 2013.  The Saturday prior to the surgery, both of my parents as well as my mother-in-law made the drive up to Tennessee to be here for the surgery as well as some of the recovery.  My mother-in-law's job would be to stay here in Jackson and take care of Kyndall while I was in the hospital in Nashville.  My parents and Matthew would of course accompany me to Vanderbilt for as long as I was kept there.  On Monday, July 1st, the four of us (Mom, Dad, Matthew and myself) headed out SUPER early to be in Nashville for my pre-op appointment by mid-morning.  

Though I hated to wake her so early, I couldn't possibly leave the house under these circumstances without telling my sweet baby girl goodbye.  Obviously, she had no concept of what was going on, but in the back of my mind I just knew I needed one last hug from her.....just in case.  

Saying goodbye to Daddy......Still asleep??

Goodbye to G-Daddy......

And Grammy........

And finally, Mommy.........

Boy, was that a hard thing to do!!  I had explained to Kyndall that Mommy was going away for a few days to see a "doctor" who was going to make me feel better.  That's the truth, and it's all she really needed to know at the ripe old age of two years!  I took my laptop with plans of Skyping with her throughout my hospital stay, and Nonie promised me she would send me cell phone pictures as often as possible.  I knew she was in great hands with Matthew's Mom, but it was still hard to say goodbye under the circumstances.

I had my pre-op appointment in which they did some blood work and checked a few other things just to make sure everything was a "go" for surgery bright and early the next day.  Everything came back just fine and we left the hospital and checked into our hotel around mid-afternoon.  At that point, I finally had a chance to look at my phone and I was completely overwhelmed and humbled by what I found.  My Facebook page had exploded with words of encouragement, well wishes, prayers and sweet thoughts from my friends and family.  So many that I lost track and wasn't able to respond individually to each one.....but I read ALL of them and was so uplifted and encouraged by them!  It did wonders for my spirits and was just one way that God chose to remind me that prayers were being sent up all over the world (literally!) for me.  

One friend in particular made this logo and put it as her profile picture and encouraged others to share it and do the same.  She declared July 2nd as "AAKH Day"!  =)  Before I knew it, I was seeing this logo pop up all over the place as people began to catch onto what was going on.  Talk about humbling.....wow.  People whom I don't even know on a personal basis were putting this up and telling others to do the same.  

Many of you probably saw this, and even claimed it as your own on that day!  THANK YOU!  It's amazing how something so small can mean so much!  (Big thanks to Mrs. Judy Tehan for starting this chain of love!!)

Others sent me pictures like these, letting me know that they would be remembering me and saying a prayer for me just as often as they looked down at their hands........

After I sifted through all of the love on Facebook, I took a few minutes to Skype with Kyndall before we headed out to dinner.  She immediately noticed my surroundings and wanted to know why I was at a hotel....??  I couldn't believe she realized where I was!  I talked to her for a few minutes and told her one last goodbye (for REAL this time!) and then we headed out to show my parents a little bit of Nashville.  Might as well, right?? What else are you going to do on the eve of a major surgery?!

Somehow, we ended up here.  OH. JOY.

I found this over sized gun safe and told my Mom I was going to lock myself inside so that I didn't have to show up at the hospital the next day.  Just kidding......or was I??

Might as well take some obligatory "touristy" Bass Pro shop pictures while we're there.......

We ended the evening with Cracker Barrel for dinner......er....well, I should say THEY did.  I failed to mention that I was restricted to a clear liquid diet this ENTIRE day which meant I had the pleasure of watching all three of them enjoy lunch as well as dinner right before my starving little eyes.  Pitiful!  I happily munched on some ice chips while they devoured their stacks of pancakes and plates of bacon and eggs.  Grrrrrr.

As expected, I didn't sleep a wink that night.  I tossed and turned for hours, my mind racing and my heart heavy and sad.  I struggled with thoughts of doubt and fear, wondering if this surgery was really the best decision for me.  After all, there was no going back once it was done.  Now was my chance to back out if I was going to do so.  I searched for a sense of peace that only the Lord can give and despite my best efforts, it did not come.  

Somewhere in the wee hours of the morning I finally fell asleep, only to be awakened soon after by the screaming sound of my alarm clock.  As I prepared my tired and weary body for surgery, scrubbing head to toe with special antibacterial wipes, it really started to hit me that this was about to happen.  This moment that I had been dreading since the day in December that I first learned of it had now arrived.  YIKES.

Soon, the rest of my family started to stir and before I knew it the clock read 5:30 a.m. and it was time to head to Vanderbilt for my 6:00 a.m. arrival time.  I used the bathroom for the last time ever and that was a strange thing to think about.  Something natural and normal that has been happening in my body for 30 years was about to exist no longer.  (Sorry if that's TMI, but I told you I was going to keep it real!)  The thought of this "last event" reminded me just how very permanent this surgery was going to be.  Again, feelings of fear washed over me like a flood and I still wondered if I wanted to go through with this.  When would I find my peace??  What if I didn't??

We arrived at Vanderbilt and I was immediately taken from the waiting area up to a pre-op room where I learned that I would be the first surgery of the day.  Matthew was allowed to go with me to help me get prepped for surgery, but my parents wouldn't be able to come up until the very end, when it was time to say goodbye.  They remained in the waiting room for the next thirty minutes or so.  

I put on my gown and got into my bed, where I lay dreading the next step......the IV.  As many procedures and surgeries as I've had over the years, getting an IV never gets any easier for me.  Typically, they have to stick me two or three times and it's quite a traumatic process for me.  Tears and screaming almost always ensue and I am left looking like a human pin cushion.  To my surprise, the nurse got it on the first try, in my hand.  Whew.....crisis averted.  

Isn't she lovely???

Post IV and Pre scary surgery talk from the nurses

As I lay waiting for what was to come next, I noticed a TV screen with the last names of all of the patients who would be having surgery that day.  The same screen was also posted in the waiting room for families to watch and keep a "status" on their loved one's progress.  As I looked at the list of names and surgery times, I couldn't help but wonder if those people were having the same fears, anxieties and doubts that I was.  "What are they having done?"  I wondered.  "Are they about to have a life-altering surgery as well.....and if so, how are they feeling right now??"  Obviously, I was STILL not at complete peace with this whole process.  I remember thinking to myself...."Ok, God....we're really getting down to the wire here.  Are you going to ease my fears and calm my heart or not??"  I will be perfectly honest and say that it did cross my mind to wonder just what they would do if I stood up and declared that I was not having this surgery.  No way, no how.  What could they do??  I mean, it's MY body and MY decision!  (These are the thoughts that were bouncing back and forth in my brain over and over and over again as I laid there starring at the ceiling.)  Even though Matthew was only a few feet away from me, I'm betting he never even knew the feelings of confusion and hesitation that I was feeling.  

A few minutes later, my one track mind was interrupted by a knock on the door.  It was a lovely young girl, about my age.  She had a clip board in her hand and looked very official.  She explained that she was part of the research team at Vanderbilt and was wondering if I would sign a consent form for my "parts" (aka my colon and other tissues) to be used to further the research process and possibly aid in finding a cure for diseases such as mine.  I responded with a resounding "ABSOLUTELY!!"  I mean, why wouldn't I agree to that?!  I enthusiastically signed my name on the dotted line and in that moment I got my first glimpse of peace.  I thought to myself...."maybe, just maybe this isn't all for naught.  What if by having this surgery, I am somehow able to pay it forward and help thousands of other people who are suffering just like I have been for the past 7 years??"  How cool would it be to know that I played a role (a very small one, but nevertheless!) in finding a cure for Crohn's disease and colon cancer?!  Though I'll never know for sure what part I played in making that dream become a reality, I do know that in that moment I started to feel the peace that I had desperately been longing for.  It still wasn't 100%, but it was getting there.

What happened next is something straight out of a movie.  I'm not even kidding.  Thinking back, I still can't believe this really happened.  The nurses told me that I was all prepped for surgery and that my parents could now come up and tell me goodbye (quickly) before I was taken back to the operating room.  Just a few seconds later I looked up to see not only my parents, but also our dear sweet friend Mrs. Lisa Jones walking into the room with a big beautiful smile on her face.  I was so disoriented that I didn't even know what to say.  You see, Mrs. Lisa is my parents' neighbor who lives in TALLAHASSEE.  Was I seeing things or did she in fact really come all the way to Nashville for my surgery???  I couldn't even speak.....I just started bawling!!!  She came over and gave me a big hug and I immediately looked to my parents and through my blubbering I managed to say "did y'all know about this??"  My Mom (who was also crying) said "NO!"  Sweet Mrs. Lisa (who has been like a second Mama to me since I was just a wee one) had surprised ALL of us by planning this trip many weeks prior but never letting on to us that she would be there for one of the most important moments of my life.  She drove 10 hours, all alone.....booked a hotel.....navigated her way through Nashville.......and planned to stay by my side for two days.  What kind of friend does that??  The BEST kind, that's who!!!  It was at that moment that I found the rest of my peace.  I felt so much love at that very moment that I was just overcome with a sense of peace that I can't even explain.  It all just came together for me in that moment.  My emotions had been all over the place that day, but for the first time I just felt calm.  I didn't get to dwell on that feeling very long because before I knew it, they were telling my loved ones to give their final goodbyes before they were quickly ushered out of the room.  

Sweet Mrs. Lisa, sitting in the waiting room with my parents during my surgery

I don't remember much after this point because as they rolled me away from my family, they started inducing the "happy drugs" into my IV and I began to get that loopy feeling that always makes me say funny things. =)  Apparently, it was also in this moment that my Mom snapped this quick cell phone picture of me being taken away......

Matthew told me that the surgery lasted about three hours and then I was in recovery for several hours after that.  My family wasn't allowed to see me at this point, so apparently they went and got lunch and then came back.  By this point I was awake and stable enough to be taken to a room.  My Mom (who as you'll notice became like the hospital paparazzi!!) took this picture of me upon their first glimpse.  That's my Daddy you see smiling in the background =)

Remember that wonderful, non-traumatic IV stick in the hand that I told you about earlier??  Yeah well when I awoke and became aware of my surroundings, one of the first things I noticed was the fact that my left hand looked like a giant sausage and there was no IV to be found any longer.  Apparently, it had infiltrated (??) during surgery and caused a bunch of fluid to back up into the tissues of my hand.    Lovely.  That's a heating pad on my hand, to help with the swelling.  Yeah, right.  It took a good two days for that to go away!  Oh, and the best part.....guess where my new IV was located??  In my NECK!!  Yep, good thing I was knocked out for that one!!  Ain't no way that would've gone down without a fight if I had been awake!  Can you imagine.....an IV in the side of your neck?!  They must have been completely desperate for a good vein is all I can figure!

Naturally, the next few hours are pretty hazy. In fact, I'm finding myself sitting here right now consulting Matthew on many of the facts surrounding the rest of my surgery day.  I remember being taken to my room and being transferred to a hospital bed, which I remember being EXTREMELY difficult.  I've just had my abdomen cut open and they want me to move myself into another bed??  Do you know how many stomach muscles it takes to do that?! 

After I got settled in my room, my first order of business was to change into my own PJs!  Enough of the blue hospital gown with the gap in the back so big that it somehow it makes you feel more naked and exposed than you would if you were truly naked!  

I was in a significant amount of pain, but I was hooked up to a pain pump that allowed me to control the flow of pain medication through my IV.  I kept myself comfortable, but obviously there's only so much covering up of pain you can do when you've just been cut open and had a major organ yanked out!  Overall I recall being pretty content and I don't even remember seeing my incision or my ostomy until much later....??  Maybe I just took on the "out of sight, out of mind" theory, but I really don't remember asking to see any of that until much later.  Strange.

I don't remember much else about that evening except that at some point, my parents and Mrs. Lisa left for the night and Matthew stayed there with me.  As much as I begged him to go back to the hotel and get a good night's sleep, he wasn't having it.  He didn't leave my side for one second that night (or for the next ten days either, but more on that later). 

The next morning I was pleasantly surprised with two deliveries from sweet friends back home in Tallahassee........

From the Gilliland Family

(Notice that IV in my neck?  Still makes me hurt to look at it!!)

From the Vidaks

That same morning, Mrs. Lisa showed up once again bearing gifts of snacks, drinks, candy, a "get well" balloon (which is still afloat, 8 weeks later by the way!!!), and even a pack of hair clips for me. (Mine had gotten crushed in surgery and I'm a girl who NEEDS my hair clips!)  I still can't explain in words how much it meant to have her there with us.  

The balloon that never dies!

The next few days were spent resting (obviously) and WALKING.  Those nurses don't play around!  They expected me to walk a certain number of "laps" around the nurse's station each day and although it was tough, in the end I was glad they pushed me.  Just taking a few steps at a time took an incredible amount of strength and usually left me feeling very sore.  Again, you don't realize how much you use your stomach muscles until you CAN'T!  

I had several visitors, including Julie and Travis Martin who are our sweet, sweet new friends from Sunday School.....as well as Mrs. Sherry Fesmire who is the pre-school director at our church.  It was so encouraging to see some familiar faces and it meant SO much to me that these dear friends took time out of their week to visit me in Nashville!  

My days were spent resting, walking and eating more jell-o and chicken broth than I ever imagined possible.  My appetite was pretty much non-existent the first few days, but started to pick up as time went along.  However, for several days I was still restricted to clear liquids only.  YUCK.

Each day, both my surgeon as well as my GI doctor would check in on me and they were very pleased with the progress that I was making.  They both remarked on how well I was doing and how it seemed that we had really dodged a bullet with the whole liver issue.  (If you'll recall, having this surgery posed a MAJOR risk to my liver, which is already in a moderate state of failure.  They knew having this surgery would be a big hit to my liver, but nobody knew just exactly what to expect or how bad it would really be)  We were all relieved that my liver function tests seemed to be in the normal range (for me) and I wasn't experiencing anything out of the ordinary.  Praise God!!!!

On Thursday, the 4th of July, Matthew headed back to Jackson to spend some time with his parents and enjoy a few 4th of July festivities.  His Dad was now also at our house and since I was doing so well, I urged him to go back to Jackson and get some rest and do something FUN.  He had been by my side non-stop since the day of the surgery and I wanted him to feel free to leave, knowing that my parents could continue to help me.

Also on this day, my doctor lifted the clear liquid orders and allowed me to eat solid food for the first time.  Hallelujah!!!  Music to my hungry ears!!!  Don't think for a single second I was going to be content with eating hospital food......nope, no way!  My very first meal, two days post-op would be a kids cheeseburger meal from Wendy's!  Yep!!  And it never tasted SO good!!!  Don't worry, I had permission and believe it or not, ENCOURAGEMENT from my doctor to eat this!  He said he'd rather me try out this kind of stuff while I was still in the hospital so that if I didn't tolerate it well, at least I would have the help that I needed.  I was a little nervous as I sat sloooooowly eating my teeny tiny little cheeseburger and hand full of fries.  I think I was anticipating something really terrible happening....??

Guess what??  I survived and tolerated everything wonderfully!  Woo hoo, one step closer to getting back to normal!!

Seeing my wet hair in this picture also reminds me that on this same day I took my first shower! YAY!....real food AND a shower all in the same day!  I'd call it a success!  =)

I was even allowed (and encouraged) to leave the building and get some fresh air!  So, my parents wheeled me downstairs and out into the courtyard are of the hospital, where I happily enjoyed a Blow Pop and a magazine all while soaking up some warm sunshine and fresh summer air!  It was a good day and things couldn't be going any more wonderfully!!  The Lord had truly shown me favor in giving me a quick and easy recovery!  I was so thankful!

That night, I spent my first night alone in the hospital.  I forced both of my parents to leave and go back to the hotel, and I insisted that I would be fine on my own.  I'm in a hospital, after all and there are nurses just outside of my door who are ready and willing to help me!  They agreed and I spent my 4th of July sitting alone in a hospital room, flipping channels and enjoying the holiday from the comforts of my bed.  Matthew and his parents took Kyndall to a get-together that our Sunday School class had and although I hated not being there, they sent me lots of pictures which showed what a great time Kyndall was having!  

Seeing this smile, knowing she was having the time of her life watching the "tire works" made my heart so happy.  Even though I longed to kiss her little face and hold her tight, I knew that my time would come soon enough!

The next morning (Friday, July 5th) my surgeon came in and proudly declared that he felt as though I was ready to be released!!!  I was so pleasantly surprised!  My surgery was Tuesday morning and it was now Friday morning.  Three days seemed like a pretty darn good turn around time considering the nature of my operation!!!  

Here's Dr. Herline delivering the good news bright and early Friday morning!  (I'm not sure the reason for the strange look on my face, except for the fact that maybe I was in shock from the happy news??  Who knows!)

(On a side note, I cannot sing Dr. Herline's praises enough!  Not only is he an outspoken Christian, but he is a wonderful surgeon who truly cares for his patients.  I had no doubts or hesitations about putting my life in his hands!  He's as good as they come!  Just another way that God showed favor to me when he moved our family from South Carolina to Tennessee!)

Unhooked from all of my IVs and ready to GO!!!!!!  So so excited to be going home!!!

I've got my flowers, now let's go!!!

The two hour ride home from Nashville to Jackson was slightly uncomfortable, as I was no longer hooked up to IV pain meds and I began to get a little uncomfortable.  They sent me home with some pretty strong pain killers, so I just vowed to stay ahead of the pain by taking them every few hours.

When my Dad turned the corner onto our street, tears filled my eyes as I saw the most precious sight you could ever imagine.  Proudly standing next to her home-made "welcome home sign" was my sweet baby girl waving excitedly and grinning from ear to ear as she saw Mommy coming down the street.  I couldn't wait to get my hands on her!!!!  I rolled down the window as we pulled into the driveway so that she could see me and and she just kept exclaiming "Mommy!"  "Mommy!"  I jumped out of the car (kind of) as fast as I could and leaned down to pick her up.  Then it hit me.....I can't do that.  Bummer.  So, I settled for a big squeeze and a kiss on the lips instead.  

"Wook what I made eew, Mommy!"  She was so proud of the sweet welcome home sign that Nonie had helped her make, as well as the brightly colored welcome home balloon that she had picked out at the store.  

They even had a cake to welcome me back home!

Another pretty sign that Nonie helped her make

Even though I was in a pretty great deal of pain by this point, I did my best to suck it up and enjoy being back in my own home with my entire family there with me.  I assumed that some discomfort was normal, so I put on a happy face and went about the rest of our evening.

Matthew's Mom fixed a wonderful "welcome home" dinner for all of us and I ate as much as I could of it, but the pain was getting worse by the hour.  It didn't matter how many pain pills I took, I was still very uncomfortable.  It was just a little while later when I realized that my abdomen was beginning to swell a little bit.  It was strange, but nothing too alarming.  

Around 10:00 I was in so much pain that I told my family I was calling it a night and going to bed, hoping to wake up feeling much better the next morning.  Everyone was pretty concerned about the increasingly obvious swelling and the mounting pain, but I just wanted to go to sleep so I told them I would be fine and we would check everything out in the morning.

At about 2:30 a.m. I woke up in the MOST excruciating pain I have ever felt in my entire life!!!  Labor pains have nothing on what I was feeling!!!!  I can't even describe it but just know that it was AWFUL!!!  I turned to Matthew, crying, and told him that something was very, very wrong.  He jumped up and turned on the light and that's when I realized that my abdominal area was even more swollen than it was when I had gone to bed.  Part of the pain I was feeling was from the intense tightness of my skin and my muscles, which were abnormally stretched by this point.  I also felt nauseous, so I stumbled to the bathroom where I began throwing up.  Throwing up when you have just had your insides sewn up three days earlier is NOT a pleasant feeling.  

Soon, the entire house (except for Kyndall, thank goodness!) was awake and they were establishing a game plan as to what needed to be done.  It was quite obvious that I needed to go back to the hospital, but nobody was sure which one.  Should I go to the local emergency room, or drive back to Vanderbilt, after just being released that very same day??  Between the puking and the crying, I quickly spoke up and said that there was absolutely no way I could ride all the way to Nashville in this kind of pain.  No way, no how.  So, the decision was made to take me to the local ER here at Jackson General.

The next step was getting me from the bathroom to the car.  I was in so much pain that I could barely stand up.  I picked myself up off the bathroom floor and attempted to start walking towards the front door.  I quickly realized that wasn't gong to happen, as I started to pass out.  For whatever reason, anytime I'm in extreme pain my body just shuts down and I completely pass out.  I can't even count how many times this has happened over the years as a result of my Crohn's pain.  It's just the way that my body processes the pain.  So, down I went on to the tile floor.  As I felt myself losing consciousness, I yelled for someone to grab my legs and lift them up, as this typically brings me back pretty quickly.  My Mom tried, but I guess seeing her own child in so much pain was just too much for her because suddenly she felt as if SHE was going to pass out as well!!  So, Matthew quickly took over and thankfully I never did fully lose consciousness.  But, I still wasn't in the car yet.

Somehow, between my Dad and Matthew, they got me into the car and Matthew and his Dad drove me to the local hospital.  That ride was absolutely torturous in every way imaginable.  Every single bump in the road felt like someone taking a fist straight to my stomach.  Matthew, being the sweet husband that he is, tried to avoid all of the bumps on Pleasant Plains Road by driving down the middle of the street.  It wasn't long before we had a police car right on our tail.  WONDERFUL.  Just what we need, to waste even more time by getting pulled over.  But, I really can't blame the guy for being concerned.  After all, it was about 3:30 a.m. by this point and we were swerving around pot holes and driving down the middle of the road.  He had every right to pull us over.....but he didn't.  Thank you Jesus!!

We made it to the hospital just a few minutes later and Matthew immediately found a wheel chair and rolled me in.  They nurse at the front desk took one look at me and knew something was VERY wrong.  The details are foggy, but I remember being taken back unusually fast, where I was put straight into an exam room.  As I lay there moaning and crying in pain, Matthew gave them my history and explained that I had just had surgery four days prior.  At this point I had pretty much concluded on my own that the pain I was feeling was probably from a blockage of some kind.  I worried it was something I had eaten and vowed to never eat it again.....whatever it may have been!!!  Truly, I felt like I was dying.

The ER doctor ordered some scans of my abdomen and then they immediately started an IV and hooked me up to morphine to ease the pain.  It took a while, but finally after a little while I began to feel some relief.  I was still having some serious discomfort, but at least the morphine took the edge off a little.  At this point I still didn't know what to expect, but I knew that I did NOT want to be admitted back into the hospital.  I had only been home less than eight hours! 

Just a few minutes later, the doctor returned with the results of my abdominal scans and he confirmed that there was definitely some kind of blockage, but that they felt it best for me to return to Vanderbilt where my team of doctors could properly treat me.  His exact words to me were "you're a very sick young lady and we need to get you back to Vanderbilt as soon as possible.  This is serious."  The next thing I knew, they were arranging for me to be taken back to Vanderbilt by AMBULANCE!!  That's when I knew just how serious it really was.

By this point it was 7:00 a.m. on Saturday morning.  Matthew wasn't allowed to ride with me in the ambulance, so as I was leaving with the paramedics, he returned back to our house to pick up my hospital bag (which conveniently had not even been unpacked) and also to get my Mom.  My Dad and Matthew's Dad had to leave the next day, so it was decided that my Mom and Matthew would be the ones to return to Nashville with me.  We had no idea how long I would be there at this point, or what they would do to help me.

The ambulance ride to Vanderbilt was terrible.  Awful.  Horrible.  My poor aching body felt every bump and turn between here and Nashville and though I begged for more IV pain medicine, they couldn't give it to me.  My blood pressure had dropped to 68/45 and because of this, they wouldn't give me ANYTHING.  What normally is around a two hour drive took just barely over an hour.  We were bookin' it!!!

When I arrived at Vanderbilt, they took me by stretcher into a room in the ER where several doctors were waiting for me.  They had a "heads up" from the hospital in Jackson and they were ready to go when I got there.  Since it was a Saturday morning, my surgeon wasn't in the hospital, but I was told he had been informed of what was going on.  

They drew about 1,486 tubes of blood from me (or so it seemed) and once my blood pressure increased a little, they finally agreed to give me more pain meds.  I was there over an hour before my Mom and Matthew made it.  One of the residents who had been overseeing my care during my first hospital stay came in and explained what was going on and why I was in so much pain and the cause for all of the swelling.  It was pretty simple, really.  My liver was trying to fail.  Remember that bullet we thought we had dodged??  Wrong.  That bullet hit me straight on, it just chose to delay itself a little while before rearing its ugly head.  As it turns out, my liver had in fact suffered a great deal as a result of the surgery and it was doing everything in its power to shut down and just stop working.

I still wasn't sure how this explained all of the swelling until the resident determined that I had what is known as ascites of the liver.  Here's the fancy explanation of ascites, according to Google.....

"

"Most commonly, ascites is due to liver disease and the inability of that organ to produce enough protein to retain fluid in the bloodstream. Normally, water is held in the bloodstream by oncotic pressure. The pull of proteins keeps water molecules from leaking out of the capillary blood vessels into surrounding tissues. As liver disease advances, its ability to manufacture proteins is decreased, so oncotic pressure decreases because of lack of total protein in the body, and water leaks into surrounding tissues."

Basically, what it meant for me was an extremely swollen belly and LOTS of pain!  I also had some nausea and vomiting as well.  It was lots of fun, lemme tell ya!  There's a picture floating around somewhere on my Mom's phone which I have forbidden her to EVER show to ANYONE.  My entire body was so distorted and I felt as if I had gone from being without child to 9 months pregnant in a matter of hours!  My skin stretched so quickly that it felt like it was going to rip and I could barely sit up straight because of the pressure on my lungs from my expanding belly.  Along with the swelling came a lovely ORANGEish tint to my skin (think....spray tan gone wrong!) as well as a very distinct yellowing of my eyes.  I had dropped from 122 pounds all the way to 109 in just a few short days, even with all of the retained fluid in my body.  I was looking just as bad as I felt and it was very scary, to say the least.

I absolutely hate this picture of me, but I am sharing it as a visible reminder to myself of just how very sick I was at this time.  So thankful to have this behind me now!  God is GOOD!!

To make a long story short, over the next 7 days, my team of doctors did everything in their power to essentially "save" my liver and get it back to functioning as best as it could.  I was seen by several hepatologists who together, in conjunction with my surgeon and my GI doctor came up with a plan to get me better.  I was put on LOTS of IV medication including some antibiotics, strong pain killers and diuretics just to name a few.  Here's what I was hooked up to for the next 7 days......

My very own Christmas tree  =)

It's amazing to think that these 9 or so bags of seemingly clear liquid are what was keeping me alive!  I am so intrigued by modern medicine and so THANKFUL for it!!

The nurses continued to encourage me to walk, which was extremely difficult considering not only the swelling but also my incisions from the surgery which were still in the early stages of healing.  But, it always felt good to get out of my room and make a few laps around the nurses station.

Matthew never left my side and was my greatest cheerleader through all of this.  He constantly told me how beautiful I was, even when I hadn't washed my hair in three days and looked as if I had swallowed a watermelon.  Every single day was a struggle for me, not only physically but also emotionally.  As reality began to set in and I learned to cope with my "new way of life", feelings of self doubt and worthlessness constantly filled my mind.  Satan was attacking me left and right, causing me to question my decision to have this surgery and even causing me to say things like "I hate my life" and "I wish I had never had this surgery".  My self worth went from bad to worse very quickly.  So, to have Matthew there by my side encouraging me and lifting me back up was the greatest blessing I could ever ask for.  He made it very clear that he loved me just as much now as he ever has and that nothing (not even an ileostomy) can ever change that.  Reassuring words that soothed my weary soul.

Cheering me on, as he always does!

The next few days were touch and go as the nurses drew several tubes of blood each day to check the status of my liver.  I had a scan of my abdomen at one point just to make sure there weren't any abscesses forming as a result of all the fluid.  At one point they even talked about taking a needle biopsy of the fluid just to make sure there wasn't any infection present.  I got all the way downstairs to the procedure room and onto the table when they found there was really no reason for this, per the ultrasound.  THANK YA JESUS!  The thought of having a giant needle stuck into my belly while I'm wide awake wasn't exactly appealing to me.  So, I was thankful for that small step in the right direction.  

Slowly but surely my blood work started trending in the right direction and things were finally looking up.  The swelling was still pretty bad, but day by day it got a little better.  I was finally given the "ok" to have solid food once again, which was something I had been waiting for all week!  I had several visitors, including one of my best friends from middle and high school who now lives in Nashville.  It was so good to see Amanda and spend several hours catching up with her.  It really lifted my spirits and brightened my day.  One of my Mom's high school friends also came to visit that same day, which was good for her as well.  She and Matthew had both been there with me (again) all week and I know they were growing weary as well.  

I continued to miss Kyndall like CRAZY and even though we Skyped almost every day, it just wasn't the same as holding her and kissing her.  Matthew's Mom was very good about sending me pictures each day and every single one of them brought a smile (and a tear) to my face.  Here are just a few of my favorites from throughout the week.......

A new dress from Nonie

Having an Icee at the mall in her Mommy's honor!!

Lunch with Nonie at McAlister's

A trip to the park

By about Wednesday of that week, I finally started feeling a little better and they began throwing around the idea of discharging me.  As excited as I wanted to be about this, I was also a little nervous.  I had already gone through this once and I wanted to be sure this time I was truly ready to be released.  

I was feeling much better by the time this picture was taken, as compared to the one above where I looked like death warmed over!!

By Thursday morning, the decision was made to release me for good this time!  One of the reasons I was reluctant to leave the hospital was because of this beautiful girl........

Sweet Jessica was one of my nurses during my second stay at Vanderbilt.....but she was SO much more than a nurse to me!  She will forever be a lifelong friend to me.  You see, Jessica and I have a special bond because we are "osto sisters" as she likes to say!  =)  Jessica, too, has an ileostomy and has been living a beautiful, happy, HEALTHY life for almost two years now.  She was such an encouragement and an inspiration to me as she eased my fears, anxieties and insecurities with stories of HOPE and FREEDOM.....Freedom from this awful disease that has ruled my life for the past 7 years.  She constantly reminded me that this surgery is LIFE-GIVING.....Both literally and figuratively.  She is such a bright spot in my life and I am so so so soooo incredibly thankful that the Lord Himself placed her at Vanderbilt as MY nurse.  We are still in touch and she continues to inspire me with her positive outlook and her sense of humor.  She even has a blog where she talks about living life with "Mona", which is her stoma's name.  =)  You can read it at The Monalogues.

I returned home to find another warm welcome from my sweet girl, complete with LOTS of hugs and kisses!!!

I love the "again" that was added!  =)

There was no better feeling than having my sweet angel grab my face, look into my eyes and say "I missed eew, Mommy".  I don't think she left my side for the rest of the night. 

It was SO good to be home in my own bed and with my family!!!  Finally, I was on my way to better days!!  But, unknown to me, the real challenge was just beginning.  What I would face over the next few weeks was by far the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with in my entire life.  I fell into a very dark place.......one that I have never been before and never want to go again.  In fact, it will be difficult to even put it into words and admit to all of you the deep struggles that I faced as I learned to cope with my new way of life.  It definitely wasn't all rainbows and unicorns, I can assure you of that!!  But God doesn't promise us "rainbows and unicorns" all the time.  Even as Christians, we all have deep, dark struggles that we are faced with from time to time.  But it's in those times of despair that the Lord reveals Himself to us in amazing ways!  I can't wait to share with you the things He has taught me and the ways He has grown me over the past 8 weeks since coming home.  I am still amazed every single day by His blessings in my life.

More on that in my next post.......................