Practice Makes Perfect....??

You know the old saying....."Practice makes perfect".  Or, in the case of what I'm about to share, practice makes for an emotional roller coaster!  Most of you know by now that last night I received the call we've been waiting for.  Vanderbilt had a liver ready for me.  

Matthew has been working a later schedule this week and he walked in around 8:30 last night.  He sat down and ate his dinner and Mom and I sat around the table with him talking about our day.  Kyndall was bathed and ready for bed.  All we lacked was a good brushing of the teeth and a quick bedtime routine.  Matthew was sharing with Mom and I about some research he had done regarding short term apartments in the Nashville area so that I will have somewhere to live once I am released from the hospital, but still required to be local for a month or so.  He was going over prices, accommodations and availability regarding what he had come up with.  We talked about it and all resolved that we would figure out the details when the time came.  Little did we know, about 15 minutes later that time would come.  At 9:15 central time my phone rang.  It was a blocked number, and my heart sank.  I knew exactly who was waiting for me on the other end of that line.  I announced "it's a blocked call!!" and Mom and Matthew stopped dead in their tracks and the whole house went silent as they listened in on my conversation which went something like this......

Caller:  "Hi Mrs. Hughes this is Molly with the liver transplant department at Vanderbilt and I have some good news for you!  We have an offer for a liver!"

Me:  (clearly shocked) "Okkkkk.....what do I need to do??"

Molly:  "You need to get here as fast as possible and do not eat or drink anything from now on.  We know that you are two hours away so please just get here as fast and as safely as you can.  You'll need to come straight to the ER and they will be ready and waiting for you.  Can you tell me realistically about how long you think it will take you to get here so that I can let the ER staff know?"

Me:  (still numb and in shock)  "Well.....I have to gather my things, drop my daughter off with her care taker and then we have a two hour drive.  I'm thinking at least three hours."

Molly:  "Ok!  Just get here as fast as you can.  You technically have about four hours but obviously the faster you get here the better because the organ can potentially go bad if too much time passes."

Me:  (with no emotion at all) "Thank you.  Goodbye."

I hung up and immediately cheers broke out from my Mom and Matthew and I just burst into tears.  I started crying, shaking my head no, pacing the kitchen floor and telling them "I'm not ready....I don't want to go.....I don't have to go.....I want to turn it down.....Please let me turn it down....I don't want it....I'm NOT READY!"  Calmly, Matthew took me by the shoulders and tried to talk some sense into me.  He hugged me and told me he understood how I was feeling but that I really had no choice.  "But Kyndall's recital is next weekend...."  It's the first thing that came to my mind, of course.  My biggest fear was coming true.  All I wanted was to make it until May 17th to see my sweet girl perform in her very first ballet recital.  I've waited more than two months at this point for a call.....what an awful tease it was to only be a week and a half from the long awaited recital day and suddenly get swept away.  I'm sure it sounds silly to most, but to me it was devastating.  

"I need to wash my hair.....my hair is dirty.....I've got to wash my hair."  I was still crying but at least trying to get myself in gear to go.  Kyndall picked up on my emotions and began asking lots of questions.  She asked me why I was crying so I explained to her that the time had come for Mommy to go get her new liver.  (I've been preparing her for this moment for several months now and I've been very open with her about what was going to take place.)  I told her that it was time for Mommy to go get her belly cut and to get a new, healthy liver.  "Well then why are you crying, Mommy?"  "Because I don't want to go.....I want to stay here with you", I said.  "But Mommy, doctors are very nice people you know!"  I almost laughed through my tears when she said this to me.....almost.  Obviously, she's been fed this line a time or two herself!  

As I stood at the sink washing my hair (no time for a REAL shower!) I was still sobbing and saying I didn't want to go.  Kyndall stood next to me and told me that "grown ups don't whine" and that I needed to stop crying.  She said "Mommy, you have TWO choices.....you can either go to the doctor and get your new liver or you can stay here with me!"  Again, I almost couldn't help but laugh at her seriousness and the fact that my THREE year old was being more rational and mature about the whole thing than I was!  "You just have to be brave, Mommy" she told me.  

I washed my hair, gathered my bags (which have been packed for two months now) and began going over my check list to make sure I didn't forget anything.  I did a few really silly things like scrub the toilets and make up my bed.  I know it sounds dumb but in my mind I wasn't going to be coming back to my own home for six weeks and I had NO idea who would be seeing my house and my OCD personality just wanted it to look neat and tidy.  Oh, I also loaded the dishwasher and put away the dishes that were drying on the counter.  I know, I know---I have issues!  I think I was just stalling.

Even with everything packed and ready to go, it still took us an hour get get out the door.  Matthew was a big help, making about 100 trips to the car loading everything up and even running up the road to get a tank of gas while I did dumb things like....well, scrubbing the toilets!!  

Mom had called Mrs. Pam regarding Kyndall and let her know that it was time and we would be heading her way shortly.  We also put in calls to my Dad and Matthew's parents and my sister but told all of them to stay put until we knew for sure what was going to happen.  Even through all of this I still was saying I didn't want to go.  I just did not have a peace about it at all.  I felt uneasy, unsettled and like it just wasn't the right timing.  I lacked the excitement that everyone else was feeling and I just wanted to call the whole thing off.  

When we got in the car Kyndall began saying the sweetest things to me, completely unprompted.  She said "Mommy I love you so so so very much and I really want you to just stay here.  I don't want anything to happen to you."  Stab me in the heart!!  As sweet and precious as that was, it didn't make things any easier for me.  I held her hand and talked to her the whole way to Mrs. Pam and Mr. Johnny's house, answering all of her questions and telling her that everything was going to be ok, despite the fact I didn't even believe this myself!  

When we got to Mrs. Pam's house Kyndall went right in and was happy to be there.  It made it much easier knowing that she was in a familiar, happy place and that she didn't get upset when it was time to say goodbye.  I was the one who couldn't hold it together.  I kissed her goodbye and that was the hardest thing I've ever done.  In reality, I knew there was a chance it could be the last time I ever saw her, God forbid anything should go wrong.  

I sent out a text to a few close friends and family letting them know that we had gotten the call and that we were on the way to Nashville.  Word quickly got out on Facebook as well and I was overwhelmed in the best possible way with the most encouraging, heartfelt messages I could ever ask for.  Prayers were being sent up left and right on my behalf but even still I just could not find any peace.  I felt like I was being made to do something that I most definitely did NOT want to do and that nobody was listening to me.  I just wanted to go home and forget that this had even happened.

A few minutes later my phone rang and it was another blocked number.  Again, as soon as I saw it come up on my caller ID I knew exactly who was going to be on the other end and I had a very good feeling I knew what they were going to say.

Caller:  "Hi Mrs. Hughes this is Molly again from Vanderbilt and I have some bad news...."

Me:  (excitedly, almost giddy)  "Bad news?!?!  What's the bad news??"

Molly:  "The surgeon has seen the liver and he is not pleased with it.  The liver was too fatty and I'm so sorry to tell you this but you need to turn around and go back home."

Me:  (Almost cheerful at this point)  "Oh oh that's ok!!!  Thank you so much!!  Really, it's no problem at all!!!  Thank you!"

(I'm sure this Molly chick thought I was a looney toon for sure---Who gets excited about being told their life saving organ is no good?!  I'm sure this was a first for her!)

Molly:  "Again Mrs. Hughes I am SO very sorry but this happens quite often.  The surgeon wants you to have a healthy liver and this one was just not what he had in mind for you"

Me:  "No, really it's FINE!!  Thank you, thank you!!"

I hung up the phone and my Mom said my entire demeanor had changed.  She and Matthew were not amused with my new found happiness and they were obviously very disappointed.  I, on the other hand, felt like a HUGE weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  I was RELIEVED!  I was THANKFUL!  I felt at PEACE about being sent back home!  None of these things will probably be understood by anyone but me and I really don't know how to explain it.  Obviously, I do want to get better and I do want to get on with my life but I just had a check in my spirit and an uneasiness about the timing of this call for surgery. 

We called Mrs. Pam and told her we were coming back to get Kyndall.  We had only made it a few miles up the interstate, so we didn't have too far to come back to Jackson.  Then it was time to address the damage control and start trying to take back all of the messages that were circulating on Facebook and through texts.  Even this morning, people were still unaware that the call ended up being a false alarm.  Lesson learned for next time----Do not allow the word to hit social media until it's a done deal! I felt bad, like I had hyped everyone up and then let them down.  But, the doctors had told us from the very beginning to expect at least one false alarm and I guess they were right.  It's nobody's fault and the surgeon had no way of knowing what he'd be dealing with until he physically laid eyes on the organ for himself.  I am THANKFUL that he is being so selective and choosey on my behalf!! I already have an imperfect liver---who wants another one?!  I want a healthy liver that's going to last me for another 50 years....not one that would just get me by.  Heaven knows I do NOT want to do this over again if I don't have to!  So, I am blessed in knowing that the doctors are looking out for my best interest even if it means one false alarm or ten.  I'm ok with that!

As we drove back to Mrs. Pam's house I started thinking about the donor.  Despite the fact that his or her liver wasn't able to be used, I am still so very thankful for their willingness to donate the gift of life to a perfect stranger like myself.  I will never know who this person is but it still grieves my heart to know that last night at 9:15 pm someone lost their life.  I pray they loved Jesus and are now whole and healed and walking hand in hand with their maker.  I have no idea if his or her other organs were used but I pray that they were, as this was obviously their wish and I would love to know it was fulfilled in at least some way.  Even today as I reflected on the crazy events that took place last night, I can't help but think that somewhere out there a family is planning a funeral for a loved one.  They are grieved and hurting over their loss.  I know that death happens all around us every single day but I've never had a direct connection to it the way I do now.  It really gets to me if I think about it too much.  As I said, I just pray this person knew their maker and is now enjoying the glories of Heaven to the fullest.  

When we picked Kyndall up she was a little groggy (it was almost midnight) but had been watching Frozen (shocker!!) as a way to wind down before Mrs. Pam put her to bed.  One of the first things she asked me when we got in the car was whether or not they had cut my belly.  I explained that the doctors decided I didn't need to come see them after all.  Very matter-of-factly she said "So the liver wasn't a good one?"  Why yes, that's exactly what happened!  She amazes me with how much she picks up on!  She definitely knows more about this whole situation than I give her credit for!  She then asked me if they were going to cut my belly the next day because she really wanted to go back to Mrs. Pam's house.  =)  I told her that she would definitely be going back to Mrs .Pam's house at some point but that nobody was sure when that would be.  She seemed satisfied with that answer and before I knew it I looked over to see this.......

Sound asleep with her best pal, Chocolate the dog (A recent gift from Mrs. Ginny Elder)

Matthew carried her inside and put her to bed and she never even knew it.  Sweet girl had a long, confusing day and she was worn out.  I've never been more thankful to stand next to her bed and stare at her while she sleeps than I was last night.  I was SO happy to be in my own home, in my own bed and with my own family.  I slept so soundly last night because my mind and my heart were finally at peace.  My poor Mom on the other hand, said she didn't sleep a wink.  She had a hard time winding down after all of the commotion and all of the crazy emotions that we experienced.  

As of right now, we are still waiting but again I'm really hoping and praying I don't get another call until after next weekend.  Please don't misunderstand---I realize how serious this is and how badly I need this transplant.  But as hard as I try, I don't think I'll ever be able to explain just what a strange and difficult tangle of emotions this is for me.  I don't think I will EVER be ready and there's a very good chance that next time I get a call, I will be just as emotional.  Even if I'm at peace and the timing feels right, it's still a very emotional experience to know that your life is about to change in ways you can't even imagine.  And realistically, it could change for the worse.  There are no guarantees.  As much as I want to feel better and get on with my life, I am absolutely petrified of the pain and the struggles that lie ahead of me when I wake up from my surgery.  I can't help but think of how differently my day would have been today if the surgery had taken place last night.  I would probably still be sedated by this point, hooked up to tubes and monitors, strapped down to a bed, unaware of my surroundings and in a very fragile state.  But instead, today was a normal day for me---I woke up happy and pain free.  I took Kyndall to school, ran a ton of errands, had lunch with my Mom, stopped by Matthew's office for a visit, went to Bible study with my Sunday School girls and returned home to my own surroundings.  My, how differently my day would have been if last night had been a go!

Overall I think having the false alarm last night was good for all of us.  Now we know what to expect and how to handle the emotions, the timing, and even the logistics of it all.  We definitely need to cut down on our time and try really hard to get out the door a little more quickly.  Our delay was in large part due to my little emotional breakdown and my unwillingness to get the ball rolling.  I can't promise I won't be emotional next time, but hopefully I will not dig my heels in quite the same way that I did last night!  Praying for PEACE the next time around!  I highly doubt I'll ever be excited about getting the call, but hopefully I will not be as shocked and a little more rational with my feelings by next time.  I'm also glad Kyndall got a taste of what it will be like.  I'm so proud of how she handled the whole thing---so much better than I did!!

Thank you to everyone who prayed and showed genuine excitement on my behalf.  It actually makes me feel a little guilty for feeling the way I did.  I have so many of you who genuinely want to see me get better and receive my miracle and I am so grateful for every single one of my cheerleaders.  Please don't mistake my raw and crazy emotions for anything but my way of coping with the reality of the situation.  I too am very grateful that I will be getting a second chance at life and I do not take that lightly at all.  But I want it to be in HIS timing and I just felt deep down that last night was not His will for me.  I can't explain it but it just didn't feel right.  

I do know that God is an on time God---never early and never late.  His timing is ALWAYS perfect and His plans are always so much greater than our own.  He has given me the gift of patience and I am thankful for that.  I will continue to wait patiently for the right liver at just the right time.  I know it's out there and I know He's going to blow us all away with his impeccable timing.  He's never failed me before so why should I doubt Him now?

Speaking of practice, I'll end this post with some happier, more light-hearted news.  As I said, we're just a week and a half away from Kyndall's very first tap/ballet recital and I'm pretty sure I'm WAY more excited about it than she is!!  I've honestly been dreaming of this day since the moment I found out I was having a little girl.  I was a dancer my whole life and I love nothing more than seeing my own daughter enjoy it as much as I did.  Who knows if she'll stick with it as long as I did, but for now I'm relishing in the moment and enjoying all of the super girly things that come along with a dance recital.

This past Tuesday was parent watch day and also costume delivery day!!  So exciting!! The girls quickly slipped their costumes on over their dance clothes so that we could see how they fit and get an idea of how absolutely precious all of our little "snowflakes" will look up on the big stage next weekend!  

I like to describe dance days as "organized chaos" but Mrs. Kim has the patience of a saint and does a great job with our wild and giggly girls!  She truly has the gift of patience and long suffering!!!

Caroline and Riley, two of Kyndall's best buddies

Riley!

Caroline!

Kyndall!  I mean...uh....ELSA!  (We are still in Frozen overload!!)

Mass chaos, I tell you!

I love these two so very much!!

Serious concentration.....for the moment!

It was at this exact moment that Kyndall declared that her costume was itchy and that she didn't like it!  GREAT.

STILL SCRATCHING!!

After a few minutes the costumes were safely returned to the Mamas and the girls continued by displaying their tap skills.  This is my favorite because I used to be a clogger and tap is very similar to clogging!  

Jumping is just more fun when you have on noisy tap shoes!

My little shortcake is the smallest and youngest one in the class but she keeps up pretty well most of the time

Now that I've seen the costumes I'm even more excited for next weekend's big performance!  I'm not sure exactly what Kyndall will do on the stage in front of all those people, but whatever it is I'm sure it will be adorable.  Even if she just stands there and does nothing, it will still be fun for this super girly Mama!  I think we'll do a practice run with hair, make-up and costume this weekend just to test the waters and see how she likes it!

Hopefully the only other practice runs that we will have between now and May 17th will be in regards to a dance recital and NOT a call from Vanderbilt!  I'm not due for more blood work until two days after the recital so my current score will hold until then, which makes me feel a little more confident that I'm "safe" for another week and a half.  But, anything could happen I guess!  Again, I just want it to be in His perfect and permissive timing!