A few weeks ago I celebrated my one year liver-versary, which you can read about HERE. Not only was this the first anniversary of my transplant, but it also marked one year since my donor's death. Although it was an exciting day for me as we celebrated an entire year of renewed LIFE, I also knew that a family somewhere out there was grieving one year of LOSS. As I was celebrating, they were mourning. If I'm being completely honest, I was mourning right along with them. I continue to struggle with feelings of sadness and guilt regarding my transplant. Survivor's guilt is what they like to call it and apparently it's not uncommon. Whatever it's called, it's been haunting me for more than a year now. I even wrestled with these feelings in the months leading up to my surgery, feeling like I was just sitting around hoping someone would die.....waiting for them to pass from this life to the next so that I could have what I needed. It's a complicated, unexplainable mix of emotions and I probably sound like a nut case even talking about it. But, this is my reality and one that I am still working through.
This lack of closure and inability to move on is only compounded by the fact that I still know nothing about my donor. NOTHING. Not their age, their gender, their location, or their cause of death. All I know is that I am eternally grateful for the selfless decision of this perfect stranger to give me the gift of life. I have written to the family twice now, but have not heard back from them and probably never will. I'm sure at some point I will move past these feelings but right now, even one year later, they are still very raw.
In saying all of this, you can imagine my need to honor and celebrate the life of my anonymous hero. I decided that I wanted to release 12 green balloons in to the sky, each one representative of the 12 months of life that he or she gave me as their final act of kindness on this earth. The green, of course, is the official color of organ donation. My friend Megan met me out in the middle of a beautiful field right at sunset and captured these very special moments as I looked to the Heavens and slowly watched each balloon make its way upward. I hope in some small way it brought honor to this person and their family. And perhaps one day I will be able to share these pictures with the family. That's the prayer of my heart.
Matthew wasn't there but Kyndall was and she wanted to release a balloon as well. I brought along an extra one so that she could participate too. Although she is much too young to truly understand what happened to my donor, she does know that someone gave me a very special gift and she is just as thankful as we all are.
And just like that, they were gone! I hope to continue this tradition every September, adding 12 more balloons with each passing year. How amazing would it be to see 120 balloons floating away at my 10 year liver-versary?
If you've never considered becoming an organ donor, I hope that you will give it some thought. Did you know that you're much more likely to NEED a donor than to BE a donor?? What if it was you or a loved one who desperately needed a life-saving organ. I can tell you that I never in my wildest dreams thought it would happen to me. There is such a need for donors, yet organ donation lacks the attention that many other causes receive. For someone with a failing organ, donation is their CURE! Don't you want to be that cure for someone? Every single day more than 20 people die waiting on their "cure" which never comes. This just should not be. It's absolutely heartbreaking and very frustrating to know that one simple decision could prevent this. Please, I beg you to consider registering as a donor.
Photo Credits: Megan Shaw of Megan Shaw Photography
