My Heart is Heavy

If I had to choose a few words to sum up my emotions over the past month they would be as follows......... 

Scared

Excited

Sad

Overwhelmed

Confused

Angry

Joyful

Sorrowful

Peaceful

Devastated

Anxious

Confused

Doubtful

Frustrated

Hopeful

Thankful

Obviously, that's quite an array of emotions which should give you an idea of what my poor husband has been dealing with for the past few weeks!  Bless him!  One minute I'm on top of the world, bouncing off the walls and excited beyond words......and the next, I'm a puddle of tears melting into his arms as he listens to me cry out my broken heart.  To say I'm on an "emotional roller coaster" would be the biggest understatement ever!

 It seems that with each new day we are thrown yet another hurdle to overcome......another challenge to face.  Though my mind tells me to throw my hands up and scream "ENOUGH!!", my heart tells me that it is through these trials that our faith is tested and ultimately strengthened!  It is in these times that we can find the peace that passes all understanding.  But I would be lying if I said that I am the perfect picture of peace.  Obviously, I'm not....I've already admitted that to you.

This all started a few weeks ago when I went home to Tallahassee for two weeks.  It was during that trip that I realized (and so did the rest of my family) just how very sick I am.  My body could barely keep up with the demands I put on it during those two weeks and in turn I realized for the first time the limitations that it is putting on my life.  Others noticed it too....specifically my Mom.  She was so concerned over what she saw that she marched into her job of 30+ years and immediately declared an early retirement.  She will finish out this year and then she will be completely retired and ready to be here to help me as my health continues to fail me.  

We knew that my liver would take a big hit as a result of my surgery in July, but none of my doctors really knew how much of a hit it would take or exactly how much it would decompensate.  Really it didn't matter though......the surgery was NOT optional and it had to be done.  We resolved that we would deal with the aftermath when the time came, but that the surgery absolutely could not be put off any longer for fear of the cancer taking my life.  So, here we are a little over three months after my surgery and I am just now starting to feel (and see) the effects of the trauma to my liver.  

Physically, I get SO SO TIRED very quickly.  For the past few weeks I've had a hard time just getting basic things done around the house without absolutely wearing myself out.  My type A, perfectionist, neat freak personality probably doesn't help the situation much, but after 30 years I don't think there's any hope of changing that!  So, I've just had to adjust the way I do things.  I've had to let Matthew take over some of the household duties and even just let some of them go all together.  For example.....Kyndall's playroom.....Lord have mercy it looks like a cyclone went through that room and it's driving me insane!  But, I've come to realize it's not the end of the world and life will go on even if her toys aren't perfectly organized into neat little labeled bins each night before we go to bed!  I've also just had to say "no" to some things.  I'm a people pleaser to the point of ridiculousness and nothing makes ME happier than making OTHERS happy.  But, I've had to learn over the past few weeks that my health and well being need to come before anything else.  What little energy I do have needs to be spent with Matthew and Kyndall and my obligations to them as a wife and mother.

Maybe you haven't noticed my lack of energy or my messy house, but I can bet if you've seen me in person over the past few weeks there IS one thing you've noticed......my eyes.  I call myself the lizard lady, for truly I look like a reptile as of lately!  My eyes are so yellow and jaundiced that it's to the point that I feel I should offer up an explanation to every person whom I make eye contact with.  I know they must notice it.  It's awful.  Thankfully, the only area of my skin that has started to look jaundiced is my torso, which nobody ever sees anyway.  It looks like I have a really pretty golden tan, but really it's just another outward, visible sign that my liver is slowly failing me.

I also have other symptoms that are classic signs of the early to moderate stages of full on liver failure.  Not to mention, my labs are completely off the charts crazy.  With all of this taken into consideration, I've come to realize that it's just a matter of time before the inevitable happens......a liver transplant.  

My doctor contacted me last week after seeing some lab work that I had done and immediately ordered an MRCP scan of my liver, which I had done today at the hospital.  I must've had thousands of these done over the past 7 years but today's seemed especially crucial.  I will travel to Vanderbilt in Nashville on Wednesday morning to meet with my liver doctor and find out the results.....and ultimately, what our next step will be.  I feel like before long they will put me on a transplant list and things will proceed from there.  But, who knows.......God still performs miracles every single day!  I'm hoping and praying for the best, but preparing for the worst.

On top of all of that, the time has come for my sweet, beloved Granddaddy to leave this temporary earthly home and go spend eternity with Jesus.  You'll probably remember that back in May (the night of my sister's wedding, actually) he was unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer during a trip to the ER.  At that time the cancer was already in his bones, his liver, his lungs and several other vital organs.  That night they gave him six months, at best.  Fast forward five months to October and we are now facing that reality head on.  

Just in the past week he has taken an astonishing turn for the worse.  On Thursday of this past week, he met with his doctors and they decided to stop all forms of chemo treatment and to proceed with Hospice.  Just since Thursday he has declined even more significantly.  He is now barely eating, sleeping most of the time, and being given strong pain medicines to keep him comfortable.  They even brought in a hospital bed to his bedroom today, which made it all the more real.  My cousin sent me pictures tonight and seeing him laying in that hospital bed frail and weak just broke my heart to pieces.  I wanted to reach through the phone and hug him so badly.  

I would already be in Florida sitting by his bed, holding his hand if it weren't for the appointment at Vanderbilt on Wednesday.  When I realized how fast things were declining for him, I told my family I was cancelling the appointment and packing my bags immediately.  They all pretty much freaked out on me and talked me into staying a few extra days for this important consult with my liver doctor.  As soon as my appointment is over on Wednesday, Kyndall and I will drive straight from Nashville to Two Egg, where I will be staying indefinitely.  Matthew has given me his blessings to stay as long as I want or need to.  

Tonight as I was texting my cousin I told her to please tell Granddaddy that I was coming as fast as I could and that I would be there by Wednesday night.  He responded by saying "I will wait for her......"  ........Tears.......

I don't even know what to expect when I get there.  I don't know how I will handle seeing him, knowing that he's in his final days.  Keep in mind, this is the same man who for the past two summers, hiked the Appalachian trail during the month of June to celebrate his 80th and 81st birthdays.  The perfect picture of health, he definitely was!!  Strong, healthy, vibrant, full of life.....until it all suddenly changed just a few short months ago.  

I know that this is a natural part of life that happens every single day.  I also realize that I am one of the few people my age that even still have their Grandparents.  I am thankful that Kyndall knows her Great Grandparents and that they were around to see her and know her as well.  I don't take any of this for granted.  But my heart still breaks for the changes that are sure to come.  I can't imagine my future children not knowing this man that I love so much.  I can't imagine having to show them pictures and tell them stories, rather than them knowing him personally.  My prayer is that Kyndall is somehow able to remember his sweet spirit and carry the memories that she has with her always.  I will talk about him constantly with her, in a desperate attempt to keep his memory alive and well in her mind.  

To know my Granddaddy is to love him.  As the oldest of his 5 Grandchildren, I am SO proud each time I get to tell someone that Arthur Basford is MY Granddaddy.  I always receive the same reaction with I mention his name.....one of great respect and admiration.  Truly, he is a pilar in his community and everyone knows him and loves him for the sweet, God-fearing man that he is.  A kind soul that would gladly give the shirt off his back to a perfect stranger.

Above all else, this man has single handedly offered up more prayers on my behalf than any other human being on this planet.  From the moment I was diagnosed 7 years ago, he has prayed for me constantly and has petitioned the prayers of those around him as well.  He is truly the greatest prayer warrior I have ever known and his heart is so tender for the needs of others.  If Arther Basford says he's going to keep you in his prayers, you can take that to the bank!  He's a man of his word.....and a man full of the word.  Anytime I have a question about theology, morals, politics or Christianity he is the first one I ask.  I value his wisdom and his opinions above anyone else's!  He is a man of great integrity and character and even if they tried, nobody could ever speak an ill word against him.  He's never met a stranger and is the friendliest, most out-going, personable individual I've ever known.  I have to laugh as I even recall times when we've become frustrated with him because everywhere we go, he finds someone to talk to and make friends with.......even when we're in a hurry!  =)  That's just the type of man he is.  He's the greatest man I've ever known and I am a better person for having known him.  This world will not be the same without him.  Our family will not be the same.  My heart will not be the same.  

I am so very thankful that just a few months ago, I took an extended visit to Florida specifically to spend time with him.  He was very sick at this point, but nothing like he has been in recent days.  I spent precious moments talking with him and soaking up as much time as I possibly could in his presence.  This was only a few weeks prior to my surgery and I honestly didn't know if I would make it back to see him again.  It was a bittersweet trip, but I'm so thankful for those few weeks that I spent with him and my Grandmother, just being there.  You can read more about that visit and how much it mean to me in a post I wrote just following that trip, HERE.

As a Christian, I realize that this is to be a time of celebration and not a time of sadness.  For truly, this life is merely our temporary home and our eternity with Jesus is far greater than anything we could ever imagine here on earth.  But I think it's only natural to be sad.  The selfish side of me wants to keep him here forever and never let go.  But I know he's ready.......he's told us so.  He says he's not afraid of dying, but that it makes him sad when the thinks about the future and all of the things he will miss out on.  

This past weekend my entire family, minus me, Kyndall and Matthew, gathered in his bedroom and listened as he told stories of his past and reminisced about days gone by.  He talked of his many mission trips and his contributions to the relief efforts at Ground Zero following the September 11th terrorist attacks.  He talked about his days of dating my Grandma and how they met.  They even sat around listening to some of his favorite old hymns that my cousin pulled up on her iphone.  I missed out on all of this and it makes me so sad.  But, in just a few days I will be there too and I pray that by that point he will still know me and sense my presence.  My heart is already there.

In the midst of all this sadness with my Granddaddy and the stress over my declining health, I have tried desperately to concentrate my efforts on finding joy in the little things.  Each day I try to find something to smile about.....to laugh about.....to be thankful for.  That's not hard with Kyndall around, as she is a constant source of joy and laughter for me.  The Lord has also proven Himself as a source of hope, just as He always does.  He has been faithful to give me little reminders that He's still in this.  Even though my world seems to be turning completely upside down, He's still close by.  Here's just one example......

This past Thursday was the day that it all came crumbling down for me.  I was feeling especially worn down physically and mentally and then I got the call from my Mom with the sad news that all treatment was being stopped and Hospice would be taking over.  As I read my daily devotional in my Jesus Calling book, I was moved to tears as these words filled the page......

October 3rd

"When many things seem to be going wrong, trust Me.  When your life feels increasingly out of control, thank Me.  These are supernatural responses and they can lift you above your circumstances.  If you do what comes naturally in the face of difficulties, you may fall prey to negativism.  Even a few complaints can set you on a path that is a downward spiral, by darkening your perspective and mindset.  ........  Cry out to Me in My Name.  Affirm your trust in Me, regardless of how you feel.  Thank Me for everything, though this seems unnatural---even irrational.  .........  If you choose supernatural responses this time---trusting and thanking Me---you will experience My unfathomable peace."

Wow!  I think God was basically saying to me that day "Get over yourself!  Quit throwing a pity party!  Remember who is in control here!"  

God has also provided me with more than just a few real live angels here on Earth who are always around to pick me up when I'm down.  This past week I was "kidnapped" by a dear, sweet friend who spent her entire day spoiling me and just investing time and interest in my life and all that it involves.  She took me on a mini road trip and got my mind off of my circumstances for a few hours.  It was just what I needed to clear my head and get my perspective back in order.  

Also, the night I received the news about my Granddaddy's treatment (Thursday) just happened to be the night of our Sunday School class's monthly ladies Bible study.  I look forward to this night each month and I always come away feeling uplifted, refreshed and encouraged.  I don't think it was any coincidence that just two hours after receiving the sad news, I was off to Bible study with my friends.  

No matter what, God always proves Himself faithful.....even in the most difficult of circumstances.  I've had to learn that lesson over and over lately, but I think I am finally getting it!  

Despite all of the doom and gloom, there IS some very exciting, happy news that we can't wait to share!  But, not just yet!  =)  As soon as the time is right, I will share it here on the blog.  It has definitely added to our stress, but it has also added something very happy in the midst of an otherwise sad and sorrowful time.  

No matter what the next few days, weeks or even months hold for our family, I know without a doubt that God has already ordered our footsteps and as the Bible says in Deuteronomy 31:8,

 "The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

Come what may, I will rest in the knowledge that God is not the author of sad stories.  In all circumstances, we will praise Him and thank Him for his perfect provision in our lives.  

I shared this on Facebook tonight, but for my own memory's sake I want to include it in my blog......

Every single night since May 12th our little family has prayed for my Granddaddy during Kyndall's bedtime prayers. We pray for comfort, for healing and specifically for peace. Tonight, as we were saying prayers, Kyndall piped up and in the sweetest, most sincere little voice said....."Dear Jesus, please give Granddaddy a puzzle piece".  Obviously, she's a little confused but it was a sweet moment that I will never forget and it brought a much needed smile to my face. I love her tender little heart so much.

I have hundreds of happy memories of my time with my sweet Granddaddy, and probably just as many pictures as I have memories.  But for some reason, this particular memory stood out in my mind tonight as I gathered my thoughts and found the words to share what was on my heart.

This memory is from December of 2009, when my Grandparents made their first trip to visit me and Matthew in our new town of Charleston, South Carolina.  We were still newlyweds having only been married a little over a year.  We were living in a cute little townhouse just outside of Charleston and just getting to know our new surroundings.  They came up for my 27th birthday and we spent the weekend showing them around Charleston and enjoying some sweet time together with them.  They only made two trips to Charleston over the 4.5 years that we lived there.....this one, and then to see Kyndall born in 2010.  I don't know why this particular memory stands out so vividly, but for some reason it does.  Though it was only a few years ago, it seems like ages have passed since then.  This was just a few months before we found out I was pregnant with Kyndall, but still several years before thoughts of surgery, transplants, cancer or death ever crept into our minds or our lives.  Perhaps that's why I subconsciously hold onto this memory so tightly............

The Battery on Rainbow Row in downtown Charleston

I can vividly remember Granddaddy ordering a big basket of golden fried shrimp and hush puppies at Red's Ice House for lunch......

Solving the world's problems together as we walk along the Charleston Harbor.........

Love this picture.........

Over the past several weeks, this song by one of my favorite Christian artists, Phil Wickham, keeps popping up on my radio.  Whether I'm driving in my car, cleaning my house or putting on my make up......anytime I turn on my radio I am sure to hear this song.  I just love the words and they could not be anymore fitting for my circumstances in such a time as this.  Listen and be blessed........